Obituaries

BROWNE, VICTORIA, age 18, sadly suffered from a fatal heart attack after seeing her favorite band live in concert. Prior to this, the young girl had come severely close to dying multiple times whilst listening to their album in general. After this, somehow, someway, her corpse had the magical ability to see them live for a second time, wherein she died all over again (spiritually this time).

WEISENHORN, MOLLY, age 17, passed away during one of her many narcoleptic episodes within the classroom of Mr. Thomasson. The class itself actually was the leading cause of her narcolepsy, and she even had a fake doctor’s note to prove that her random sleep induced episodes were due to the amount of work her teacher piled on.

THOMASSON, JAMES, age 35, conveniently found his way down death’s road the night before the first day of yet another year teaching at Forestview High School. Officials are not quite sure of the exact cause of his death, seeing as it was probably fake.

MARLOWE, ALLISON, age 17, spent an entire night on Skype with her best friend, only to come to a tragic end once she brought her teacup pug into the room and proceeded to allow him to bark and growl at the camera. The girl was found dead at her computer at 4 AM, hunched over her keyboard with the letters “omg i can’t ev” typed into the messaging box. 

TRUMP, DONALD, age 70, amusingly fell to the floor as soon as his eyes came into contact with a woman, yes, a woman in her 20’s, becoming more successful in business and marketing than he ever could have dreamed of. “How could this be? She should just be in the kitch-” were rumored to have been his last words just before he fell to his tragic death in the oval office.

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